I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
