I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Randomize
