Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
