I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
