it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Randomize
