i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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