no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
