Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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