I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
