Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
