you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
