Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I intend to get homeless drunk
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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