God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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