I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
