My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
