Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
