I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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