I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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