Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
