hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
