I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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