I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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