Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
