just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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