I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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