that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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