We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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