i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
