and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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