He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
