I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
