i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
