sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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