If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
