i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
