went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
