I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
