I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
