my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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