If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I want to fling myself into the sun
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
