I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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