PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
