clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
