Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
