I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
