What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
