i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
