My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
