Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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