so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I just found a bag of teeth...
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
