she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
